we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
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