i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
