my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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