My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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