I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
