u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
