Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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