My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
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