Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
