Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
