I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
