mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
