my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Randomize