My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
My vagina just clenched in fear
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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