a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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