I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
