I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
