I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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