i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
