it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize