don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
