piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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