thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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