Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
