no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize