Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
We got so high we made milksteak
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Houston, we have a squirter
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
