Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
