i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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