I just pynch a tree in the face
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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