i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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