hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
