new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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