I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
