the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
