I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
There r osticjed everywhere
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
