my soul wont recognize me after tonight
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
My feet surprised me
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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