last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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