My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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