i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
