our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
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