capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize