Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
