When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
