OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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