Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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