i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
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