I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
