UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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