I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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