Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
