So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
how drunk are you?
Several
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
