my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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