He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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