Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
